My ex partner was a detective [rank redacted] within the Met police. He was my manager as I worked in the Met too. I was vulnerable as I was having problems in my marriage. He said that he was having problems too despite his wife being pregnant at the time. I left my husband and he consequently left his wife. He love bombed me, harassed me with text messages and calls, showered me with gifts, told me that nobody had ever loved me and that this was real love.
He made me feel safe as he was a police officer.
We started a relationship, he was perfect, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I had financial issues after leaving my husband and reducing my working hours in order to look after my children. He helped me financially and with childcare.
He started to tell me that we had debt so told me to remortgage my house in order to get a lump sum released.
After a year of being together he started to change. He became angry and mentally abusive. He would shout at me, call me names and gas light me. He started to control everything, who I saw, where I went, where I worked and the days I worked. He controlled me financially and all digital and IT items in my home. We would only see his family and very rarely my own. He would bad mouth my family and friends.
He started touching me inappropriately even when I told him not to. He said that I belonged to him. He would shout at me if I did anything he didn’t like or agree with, he would say that everything was my fault, that I made him that angry and that I didn’t love him.
He would subscribe to porn channels and say it was my fault because I made him feel lonely.
When he shouted at me he would damage things. I told him that it was domestic abuse and that I would call the police. He said that he was the police and that I would not be believed.
My children and I were petrified. This abuse, controlling and coercive behaviour and gaslighting continued for ten years. One day my partner shouted at my son who is autistic and had an eating disorder. He aggressively confronted my son, intimidating him to the point that I thought he was going to hit him so I called his father to come and get him.
The next day he returned so I phoned police. This continued for a week or so but police said that they couldn’t keep him away so I obtained a Non molestation order. The order kept him away but on [redaction made for legal reasons] he lied at court and a judge allowed him back in to my home.
Within 48 hours of him returning he made a malicious allegation and I was arrested.
I was released by police without any action but my children and I were told not to return to the house as he was too dangerous. I had to live in temporary emergency accommodation and my children stayed with their grandparents. My children eventually gained entry back to our a home a month later at court due to my son being autistic. Me ex partner fought against this as he stated that my son was not ‘that autistic’.
Once back in our home what followed was a barrage of abuse, intimidation and bullying via solicitors letters urging us to sell our home. My son moved out to live with his grandparents as he could not cope.
The harassment being so bad that I hurt myself and was admitted into a psychiatric ward for a week.
The house was eventually sold in July 2022, my daughter and I moved into a two bed flat.
The police began taking my allegations seriously in July 2021 despite me originally being told that there was no point in me reporting anything as it would be too difficult to investigate.
My ex partner was originally investigated by his own command by officers who knew him. Eventually the investigation changed hands at my request as I said that this was a conflict of interests. I was shouted at by a [senior rank redacted] who asked why I couldn’t just move on. I was told on numerous occasions that the investigation would be difficult as they were investigating one of their own.
The case papers with original items of evidence and original VRIs by myself and my daughter were passed to the new team. The new investigating officer was very unhelpful, and obstructive. In [date redacted for legal reasons] the case was NFA’d, officers saying that my ex was just not a nice person. I appealed this decision, with assistance from the Centre of Justice for Women and the appeal was granted.
In [dates redacted for legal reasons] I was told that my case papers plus original evidence and VRI’s had been ‘lost’. Again the case changed hands at my request. Three years on my case is still being investigated. My daughter and I have given new VRIs and officers are now requesting evidence from me which has been lost and asking me what witnesses should be spoken to.
My ex partner is still serving, he has never been suspended and is now off sick on full pay. He is wrapped up in cotton wool because he states that he has mental health issues and he is blaming these for his behaviour.
I have met with the Commissioner and various Assistant Commissioners. My experiences were a case study published in Baroness Casey’s damning report in March 2023.
My children and I no longer live together. I live on my own in a one bed flat and my children live with their grandparents.
I have lost everything, my children, my home, myself, my identity, my sanity, my financial security, my future and life as I knew it. Yet still the Met do nothing but drag their feet, protect my ex partner and continue the abuse that myself and my children are now so used to.
Constabulary: Metropolitan Police Service
Timespan: Since 2012
Did you report it to the police?: Yes
Do you want to revisit this with the police?: No
Could you tell us why not?: The investigation is still ongoing. It has been going on for three years but I won’t stop fighting.
I still work for the Metropolitan Police Service as Police Staff. I work within the Vetting Unit which has been under much scrutiny as detailed in Lady Elish Angolinis report.
I need as much support as I can get in order to get justice for myself, my children and every other victim of police perpetrators.
Your ethnicity: White British
Have you experienced suicidality due to this?: Attempted suicide once
Are you disabled as defined under the Equality Act 2010?: Yes
illustration by Danny Noble
