Polly | My experience with a narcissist police officer

He initially befriended me whilst I was grieving. He continued to groom me. Telling me how terrible his marriage was, how his wife was psychotic and later on that they had decided to separate but were still living in the same house for the time being. He said she was awful to him, police having been called to the house numerous times for domestic issues, he stated she caused. She had made complaints about him but they had gone no where and he said she made it up to threaten his job. He had left her previously for another woman. He told me how manipulative that relationship was, how his wife had caused criminal damage and threatened this other woman. Had been previously arrested for her aggressive violent behaviour. He painted a picture of a crazy woman.

He eventually made me feel sorry for him, he love bombed me. I received messages from his wife saying he wasn’t who I thought he was…he continued to tell me she was crazy. Violent. Deluded. I stupidly believed him. He acted like he was the victim, the subdued, the hard done to. He told me he went back after he felt sorry for her. She had begged. It was all a lie.

Now I look back and feel stupid…I ended up in a relationship with him. He very quickly moved me out of my home and into his new house. Coming home to find him selling my things. It was all rushed and I look back and know I had doubts. But I went along with it.

Initially he was so kind, showered with compliments, gifts.

It soon changed. He was extremely possessive, jealous and controlling. He didn’t like me being friends with male colleagues. He didn’t like me spending time with friends or family. He would find fault in all of them. Reasons to why he said I shouldn’t spend time with them.

Arguments would happen late at night or even in the middle of the night. Waking me up to pick an argument. Ripping pillows from under my head. Calling me a stubborn bitch if I refused to speak with him. He would follow me from room to room if I tried to walk away from him. I tried to leave in the middle of the night. Throwing my clothes over the room, snatching my phone from my hand, launching it across the room. Pinning me to the bed, restraining me from trying to get away. Blocking door ways each time I tried to leave. Even standing behind my car so I couldn’t reverse off the drive way. I would just lock my car and wait it out.

Continually calling me lazy if things weren’t done in the house whilst he was out. Once forcing me to throw some of my things away tipping a whole box over my head.

Raped, waking to find him doing what ever he wanted to me. several times. This always happened after I had said I was too tired before sleep or after a disagreement. He blamed me. That it was my fault. I was very confused and this was scary waking up to. Always very forceful and aggressive. (I have messages of him saying what he did)

I ended up medicated during the relationship, I was in fear of leaving my child alone. He would tell me his psycho ex would visit whilst I wasn’t there but my child was. Tell me he was being followed by OCG members he investigated at work. I was fearful. He lied about incidents that happened and claimed they were threats at our home. I was terrified to leave my child. I stopped working. He encouraged me to do so. Always saying he hated how far away I worked, that it was shifts and mainly that he didn’t know who I was working with. I was cautious not to mention men who I worked with names.

I found divorce papers which stated his marriage was not what he had told me it was. It stated at the time of the separation (adultery) they were trying for another baby. His wife had no clue there were issues in the relationship. He had made it all up.

No wonder she had so much hatred towards me. To her I had broken her marriage. And he had told her that. He blamed me for luring him away. 

We were always kept very separate and never were in each others company.

After many other issues, coercive control, financial control and mental manipulation, I found the courage to leave.

He continued to try to make the relationship work. This led to bombarding of messages, constant checks where I was. Threats of suicide when I didn’t go to his home.

False imprisonment & assault. An incident I won’t go into as, if the rest doesnt identify me this one would.
Trying to collect things led to being physically assaulted.

I still feel stupid but there were times even after I left that he managed to convince me I was wrong to have left, that I continued to meet him and to try make a relationship work. Even at times making me the one wanting him. I honestly feel ashamed still.

Eventually I reported all of it. It was the second attempt at reporting. I was treated terribly. I was told that he would retaliate, was it worth it? What did I really want from reporting him? And how could I have let this happen? I pushed through and eventually got another force to investigate as I didn’t trust the force WE BOTH worked for! Yes I was also one of them and yes I was still treated atrociously! It was heartbreaking. A force I had genuinely believed in for many years. A force that I had a flawless record with (apart from the sickness I ended up on whilst in the relationship) prior to this no issues. They wouldn’t listen. They failed me. My mental health deteriorated further. I felt people thought I was a liar, I was a home wrecker and this was all my fault.

He got away with it. The investigation was terrible. Even being told my the investigating officer who interviewed him, that he “was a really nice guy” as she informed me of No Further Action!

I always knew the investigation was wrong. Failed at every point. No one wanting to do their jobs properly when it came to a male police officer…who might I mention had previous with his professional record (complaints of conduct) and other complaints out of work, domestic included. They refused to look into his previous complaints. Whereas I had never had any. But yet I was not believed.

Since I have had the investigation reopened after being triggered by the murder of Sarah Everard and then later the David Carrick investigation. Their previous conduct looked all too similar!

I am still waiting for the results of the investigations. I want to be hopeful but I still struggle to trust the investigation to be done properly, even though I must say this time one of the forces investigating have been so much better, almost restoring my faith. Hopefully this man will be brought to justice.

I left after everything, they came for me on a misconduct issue I had no fight left in me to argue. I was the easier target. And he continues to serve. And has since been promoted!

For years I felt alone. I spoke with CWJ a couple of years ago and agreed for my case to be used as an additional example to these issues continuing throughout the uk, not just the Met!

It’s been many years for me and I’ve never returned to work for any force or in any capacity relating to my work experience. I was always too fearful of seeing people I used to work with or at worst HIM! I still worry what people thought of me even though I hope those that knew me knew I was telling the truth.

I still have flash backs and have adapted my entire life to protect myself from further mental harm. I still freeze every time I see a police car incase it’s him.

Finding out others have almost like for like experiences strangely has made me feel less alone. I have my strength back and I want to fight now. (Well I have been for over a year) I’m really hoping the steps I’ve taken over the last couple of years work out and the right outcome finally happens.

I got this reopened on my own. I have had no legal representation, I researched and I pushed back! They tried several times to push me away but I finally got through. Let’s hope this is my time to finally be heard and get the justice I deserve! 🤞🏻

This will be the first time I have spoken out publicly. I want to help others feel less alone and know you can regain your strength and you can fight for what is right! This culture within all forces across the country needs to stop! They are not above the law!

Constabulary: N/A or Prefer not to say

Timespan: 6/7 years ago

Did you report it to the police?: Yes

Do you want to revisit this with the police?: Prefer not to say

Your ethnicity: White British

Have you experienced suicidality due to this?: Thoughts/feelings

Are you disabled as defined under the Equality Act 2010?: Prefer not to say


illustration by Danny Noble

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