From the age of 6/7 I was SA as a child. At age 9 SS & police were involved due to another family member making a report to the police by my perpetrator. I was separated from him but somehow he had access & threatened if I said anything I’d be separated from my family. So when the time came to speak to police I had to lie. He stopped his abuse when I threatened to kill myself head first out of my bedroom window when he was going to rape me at 15. As years went by we’d become aware that he had previous for manslaughter & rape of a 14 year old.. I’d always wondered how long was this prior to meeting my mother and grooming me and SA me. Thoughts about was it years before they’d met, why didn’t ss or police protect me at 9?! I felt let down.
I chose to join the police because I’d hoped to help just that one person who may have been experiencing the same as me.. I found myself being angry over certain officers maybe not taking an interest when they should have.
As years went by I moved to a different area to work. Not long after moving I was in a bad place with my partner at the time due to comments he’d said to me that really affected me.. One male who I worked with was always playful but when he realised things weren’t right at home he ramped up his efforts. He’d play fight in the station and “accidently” land on top of me and his face would be so close I thought he’d kiss me until I turned away. He’d make efforts to contact me whilst I was out on patrol to see if I wanted a lift. Thinking he’d be with someone else and a police car. He picked me up in his car and no one else with him. I said if I’d known I would have made my own way back, he got smiley and squeezed my Thigh. He’d squeeze my Thigh a lot. He’d tell me how awful his life with his wife was and how bad she was treating him and not going near him to show him affection and he made me feel really sorry for him.. He’d expressed himself as a nice, empathetic, loving person who loved affection & loved to reciprocate it. He was moved to another station where he’d be on another shift.. But he’d still find time to come out with our team and be flirtatious. One night out he approached me and persued a kiss, I had no intentions of having anything else from this and as far as I was concerned that was a mistake. The next time I was in work he showed up at my station with family in tow and I felt awful. He used that as an excuse to message me to say he was sorry he had to come to the station and his wife insisted. I said not to worry and we should forget about what happened and he should concentrate on his family. This just opened up communication and he’d message me.
I made a decision to leave my partner as I really wasn’t happy but wanted to be single. When he knew I’d left he really went strong on the messages and started talking about how he can see himself with me. He love bombed me but I didn’t know what it was and before I knew it, we were meeting up and he’d left his wife. People in work became aware and although he was coming to my station and driving through my area to see me, I was moved further away to a different area and station. I told him to not persue if he thinks he can make it work with her. He persued me and I’d never experienced this level of attention and “love”. I’d eventually fallen hard. He knew I started my life all over from scratch. When I got a house he came over took advantage and took over. Never contributed. The cracks started to show when he’d pick at how I was acting or how I looked and even started looking at me in disgust. Before he discarded me and went back to her only to come back and make me believe he’d sworn on his kids lives and lied because I meant so much to him. I’d lost weight, felt on the verge of a breakdown after 7months.
When we got back together over a 8 year period it was an endless cycle of being ridiculed, having my self esteem and confidence knocked, constant confusion, being gaslit, discarding to be hoovered again. Many people and scenarios used to create jealousy and insecurities. I resorted to having two nose jobs to change my appearance to seem more appealing to him and to prevent him from discarding me as he’d gone from telling me at the beginning he can’t believe someone like me would look at someone like him to telling me I wouldn’t normally be his type had it been years before.
Being told he doesn’t love me, but loved his ex to bits before a discard but telling me I was over thinking and I had an issue with my weight. To then after the discard admit he had issues with women, but I took the brunt of how he was feeling. Getting angry at me for wanting to raise valid things that were affecting me. Twice I’ve had him grab my face and raise a fist and tell me through gritted teeth on the one occasion he can’t stand me & can’t bear me near him after months of literally not even acknowledging me to having sex to that and then threw me and my child out of his house after giving up everything to live with him because he manipulated me into believing we’d buy a house together and that’s the only reason I gave up our home. I’d lost our Home. I’d be in a position where he took what he wanted sexually even when I was in pain because I was “irresistible” when he did want me.
Throughout the 8 years I had one officer I was working with at the time right at the beginning of my first breakdown because of his behaviour ask if me going off with mental health issues had anything to do with him & I denied it did because he’d already love bombed me back. No one ever asked me directly again after that. Despite my distress being continuous for years. I spent years being in work distressed, one day I was taken to hospital because of how my body was reacting to the trauma. My weight would be constantly up and down, I’d be vomiting and had more health issues than before. I was shouted and screamed at for sitting in the ‘wrong’ chair, using the wrong spoon and fork. He’d make reference to me being dirty because I was from a deprived area that he was actually serving at the time, he’d make jokes about how I should be good at sex as we all start young from where I was from, he’d know there were higher levels of vulnerability there and he also knew of my past and used it as a joke. He took a photo of me in my underwear and showed the ‘boy’s’ we were out with when I told him not to when I knew he had the photo.
Everyone I worked with were either staff or police officers. I’d informed them I was being given the silent treatment numerous times and I’d be anticipating a discard, I’d told police officers I felt like my life was out of my control and had no control over my relationship as he chose as and when he wanted to be in the relationship. Even when I didn’t want him back bevause of the manipulation and trauma bond (now I know what it is) it was difficult to not go back because of the lovebombing. I’d informed some officers he’d threatened jokingly but quite harshly that he’d throw me down stairs if ever I got pregnant and even when it did happen after he ejaculated in me as a way of “proving” I meant something after getting back from being discarded to only start the stair jokes so when it did happen I felt I had no option but to abort the baby I really wanted with him. He left me alone in a room and had no concern for me and weeks later went on to say what I went through was nothing when I’d pointed out I felt unsupported and I needed him. I begged him not to carry on taking me on the cycles he was as I couldn’t take it mentally, physically or emotionally and he got worse. He’d purposely not try and have a relationship with my child but expected me to have a good relationship with his.
For all the comments I’d made, for all the distress I was experiencing in work no one said anything and I was even told one day by an officer who I’d told about the stairs ‘jokes’ that what I’d experienced with him, it wasn’t that bad… But she knew very little of the rest of what I’d experienced but I was still dumbfounded by her response as I was upset when I told her and that was 5/6 years after it had happened, so it still impacts me. I’d told one police officer I’d worked with there are 3 incidents of a sexual nature I can remember that could put him on a register and that was ignored. Everything I’d expressed was dismissed and I began to feel so betrayed like I was years ago by the police and ss I felt no one actually heard me.
I left the job after 16 years as I’d had months of being triggered by old and new traumas and seeing the ex being one whilst in work and I began to have nightly panic attacks. I was exhausted but kept going into work and one day after pushing myself in an attempt to drag myself out of the dark hole I felt I was going in I decided to bring the team together and I was asked by my supervisor why I’d decided to do it as normally I’m a miserable fucker and he knew my recent traumas and I made him well aware on my review that I was struggling. Days later he then said whilst I’d zoned out that I looked like I was on drugs.. I was done and I hated the place. I felt like no one had ever listened to me and I felt completely alone. His comments impacted me so much I tried to kill myself around Christmas because the pressure to act ‘ok’ whilst dealing with the nightly panic attacks were far too much. I resigned not long after and instantly felt angry for everyone that ignored my cries for help.
As months went on, my ex would walk along a road near to where my mother lives, likely knowing I’d be there.. Then he had an opportunity to message me after a silly mistake I’d made on a dating app and he had a cheek to say that he hopes that I was OK. Every time I saw him on passing I’d vomit that evening and I’d feel that all familiar knot in my stomach. To put things into perspective if someone said to survive you have to experience your child SA or the emotional abuse by the ex for a year, I’d choose the child SA. I became suicidal on numerous occasions. I missed out so much with my child even my memories with them have been ruined as I was constantly anxious, stressed, in hyper alert mode, just waiting for the next lie, abuse, insult, discard, change in demeanour, silent treatment. I have no confidence in the police. I was forced to make a report after they’d flagged a fb post I’d put out outlining the abuse, knowing he was in a new relationship.. And I felt pressured to go further with it.. But I had no confidence then as no one had ever listened to me.
Constabulary: N/A or Prefer not to say
Timespan: 3 decades ago and in recent years
Did you report it to the police?: Yes
Your ethnicity: White British
Have you experienced suicidality due to this?: Attempted suicide more than once
Are you disabled as defined under the Equality Act 2010?: No