Gemsie | When abusers get away and claim victim.

I took blame because he said I made him that way, that I drove him to drink, and I was such a bad wife that justified his adultery. I excused and minimized whilst trying to adapt my behaviours to prevent further abuse happening. As things continued to escalate, to him being more violent, drink driving with the children in the car, my children started to speak out at school where referrals were made to social services. I was told I had to enforce boundaries and refuse my husband entry to the house if he was under the influence or risk further involvement and consequences from authorities.

The final time he assaulted me and damaged our home and terrified my children, I finally called the police and everything just come spilling out of me which was so scary yet such a relief of carrying around all of that burden and I was given hope that I would be heard, believed, supported and a good chance to get justice. Well, the reality is that he is still on bail but has had 2 out of 3 charges dropped due to CPS advising they do not have enough evidence. I had photo’s of my bruises from kicks, headbutting, being grabbed and thrown to the floor, being pulled from my bed by my hair etc…there was my teenagers account of events which he witnessed, loads of threatening messages and the reports from the children’s schools and social services that my children were scared of dad and that he was abusing mum. Now, as we await the outcome of the harassment and stalking offences (I have no faith in this now) the police made a referral to obtain a non molestation order which was served to him without notice.

My abuser is now taking me to court for a full days trial to contest against this, claiming that I am just trying to do this as another tactic to destroy his life. I cannot believe how this can be allowed to happen, he is playing a victim of abuse from me due to ”my lies” which he is happily telling all of our family and friends who are all rallying round him whilst I am perceived to be the abuser, telling my children ”look what your mum has done” etc… I am totally destroyed, I have lost so much.

Is it any wonder that there are thousands of women suffering abuse feeling helpless and stuck…. until they are dead!! What is the point in being encouraged to speak up to protect yourself and children, when it is only all used against you and there is no accountability held, all that happens in reality is that you lose family/friends, your home, financial security and continue to be further abused and traumatised for the rest of your life!

Constabulary: Thames Valley Police

Timespan: 2019-2023 I endured physical, mental and emotional abuse and control.

Did you report it to the police?: Yes

Do you want to revist this with the police?: Yes

Your ethnicity: White British

Have you experienced suicidality due to this?: Thoughts/feelings

Are you disabled as defined under the Equality Act 2010?: No

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