Details of SA and r**e
Love bombed in the beginning with gifts and “I love you” weeks after we met. He was coercive and controlling with sex very early on, was often guilted or pressured into performing when I didn’t want to, despite knowing my history with abuse (or actually because of my history, think I was carefully selected and was also told that my past made me very sensitive).
Would wake me up by attempting to engage in sexual acts and then tell me he couldn’t handle the rejection – this led to several sexual assaults, and several frozen encounters where I wouldn’t move till he was done.
He claimed this was him being naive and because I was too attractive to him, that I made him lose control. He denied accusations made by me, my friends and also rape crisis lines that this was an assault.
He later denied that forcing me to engage in oral sex by pushing my head down and keeping it pushed down was rape.
He was financially abusive. Had access to my own money but was threatened with him moving out (was semi reliant on him paying half of the rent/bills), forced to pay half for everything even milk and bread bought for both of us, when he earned significantly more than me.
Claimed a police ISA was a pension fund and lied about his wage (this all came out after we split) so he had more than enough money to buy a house, but during our relationship he often said he had no money to pay for things.
As soon as he moved out he bought a 4k Tudor watch for himself.
When I suggested getting a second job, he attempted to deny and control that as I wouldn’t “have any time for him”.
Unconfirmed but suspected pattern of financial abuse by DV support worker as he always lived in other women’s rental properties or at his parents, despite having the financial means to buy/rent his own property.
Abused his police power and tried to enact mental health procedures against me once the relationship had ended.
When I then reported SA and abuse to the police I was made to feel guilty for reporting it in the first place and encouraged to withdraw my claim as it would ruin his career, which I did. Was also implied I was not mentally sound of mind and that I was making it up. This is likely a result of his actions once we had split to push me down further/discredit any accusations that would be made, but any self respecting detective would surely be able to spot the signs.
Feel unable to take a claim further despite having evidence/recordings and messages where he acknowledged and admitted to rape and SA.
Now carry enormous guilt for the next woman.
Constabulary: Metropolitan Police Service
Timespan: Past year
Did you report it to the police?: Yes
Do you want to revisit this with the police?: No
Could you tell us why not?: I have sadly reported abuse to the police twice. The first time, the person I reported had a criminal history and I was pushed to convict to protect other women. I was treated as a victim and given full support from the police.
The second time was against a MET police officer and I was treated like a criminal, and encouraged to withdraw my statement. I was not referred to my local domestic violence hub by the police (which I have been told is standard practice) and I was not offered any support if I chose to proceed with a criminal investigation. I was told, with witnesses present, that I brought it on myself, that he was in the right and that I would be ruining his career.
Your ethnicity: White British
Have you experienced suicidality due to this?: Thoughts/feelings
Are you disabled as defined under the Equality Act 2010?: Yes
illustration by Danny Noble