Met my ex partner online. Was immediately love bombed but didn’t know it at the time. He copied my entire personality as he had access to my social media and we shared a lot early on – I thought we had a genuine once in a lifetime connection.
Three months in he sexually assaulted me. Said it was because I was so attractive he couldn’t help himself. I would wake up in the morning to him trying to do things to me and immediately have to push him away. Things progressed quickly with our relationship and the abuse which was mostly emotional, sexual and psychological. He would try to have sex with me and if I refused he would masturbate loudly upstairs and make me feel guilty.
He would shame me for drinking but encouraged me to sleep with him when I did, and film those encounters when I was unable to give full consent as I was so inebriated. Sometimes I would drink so I wouldn’t have to be present during sex and I would get a few days peace. He was adamant he would get therapy but whenever I brought it up he said I was pressuring him. Eventually I opened up to friends who suggested I call Women’s Aid as what I had described was also rape – Women’s Aid confirmed this and I decided to confront him. He moved out and broke up with me, he also gaslit me to the point where I was begging for him back because I felt I had made a huge mistake.
He convinced me that my past issues with sexual abuse were the problem and not him, so I endured a few sessions of painful trauma therapy that I probably needed, but not while already under serious duress. This led to a suicidal episode and I called him for support, still unaware what was happening to me. He called the police with what I believe was an intent to get me sectioned/have a record of me being unhinged. I told the police everything that had been happening when they came to my house which led to him being arrested under caution. I was then shamed and blamed by detectives who said I had likely ruined his career and that he did the right thing. They did not put me in touch with the local domestic violence hub for support which they should have done for all abuse victims, they did however alert adult social services and I had to work with the DV hub to clear that up. I withdrew my statement against my partner as it was clear I would not get proper support from the police and that he would likely retaliate in further ways if he lost his job.
He was suspended for a while but the investigation went nowhere as I’d withdrawn my statement, which I made when I was not in a lucid state and under the influence of alcohol/suicidal. The met police did nothing to help me bring him to justice – yet when I made a similar complaint against a previous partner not in the police, they really pushed me to bring charges.
This experience has taught me a valuable lesson in dating people in the police and also why so many victims keep their mouth shut. I am still scared when there’s an unexpected knock at my door or when the police drive past, as I worry he might take revenge with malicious reports. I have severe PTSD as a direct result of the abuse which was only for 9 months. Some of the survivors on here endured it for much longer – I give my love and support to anyone reading this who needs help and the other people brave enough to share their story on here. You are not alone, you did nothing wrong and while many people judge survivors for not pressing charges – sometimes it isn’t safe. Keep evidence of everything and contact your local DV hub for support.
Constabulary: Metropolitan Police Service
Timespan: 2022, 9 month relationship
Did you report it to the police?: Yes
Do you want to revisit this with the police?: No
Could you tell us why not?: I do not feel safe reporting it any further. If he was willing to do this when he had something to lose, i.e his job (he has no friends) then what will he do if he has nothing to lose? I don’t want to find out
Your ethnicity: White British
Have you experienced suicidality due to this?: Attempted suicide more than once
Are you disabled as defined under the Equality Act 2010?: Yes
